One subculture that’s been making waves on TikTok is the #tradwife lifestyle.
A tradwife (a portmanteau for “traditional wife”) is often a stay-at-home wife and mother who embraces the home as her domain and her husband's role as the breadwinner. Some view the lifestyle as problematic and anti-feminist, but many tradwives don’t admonish other women for choosing to have a career or non-traditional gender role in a relationship. Instead, they say it’s a personal choice.
But what influences someone to choose submissive domesticity over, say, a high-flying career or a more equal partnership with their significant other? Are tradwives simply making a choice that matches their personality type?
We spoke with two experts and a few tradwives to find out.
Why embrace a tradwife lifestyle?
Anne Power, attachment-based couples therapist, TedTalk speaker, and author of Contented Couples: Magic, Logic or Luck?, suggests the tradwife lifestyle may be a solution to a modern-day problem—the “expectation and requirement” that women must balance childcare, personal beauty and earning.
“This problem has arisen from residual patriarchy,” Power says. “Feminism has gotten women into the workplace, but has not managed to require or equip men to take on domestic life. It’s not surprising that when a way is offered to completely drop one of these, women could be interested and, in some cases, persuaded to opt for a tradwife solution.”
In Power's view, trying to do it all has not been so great for women who suffer “exhaustion and helplessness in the face of too many demands.” The offer of a simpler tradwife relationship “seems to promise safety from these threats.”
While some researchers agree that choosing this lifestyle is a way to avoid modern life's pressures, others point to a faith-based motivation. There's a subset of the tradwife community who follow biblical teachings and see submission as a godly virtue.
Others may choose it as a natural fit.
“There is not a ‘one size fits all’ reason or explanation as to what influences experiences and decisions for individuals,” says Rodman Walsh, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. “Environment, culture and cultural norms, community, family-of-origin and societal values typically impact and will play a role in an individual’s belief system and how they see and experience themselves, others, and the world around them.”
In other words—it's complicated.
Do attachment styles feed the tradwife trend?
Attachment theory is the idea that our childhood experiences with our primary caregivers leave an imprint on the way we relate to others in our adult relationships. Our early attachment style can provide a blueprint for what is familiar, comfortable and what may feel ‘right’ for us when thinking about partnering. So it makes sense that individuals with a specific attachment style may be more likely to choose the tradwife lifestyle.
Power suggests that a tradwife lifestyle might appeal more to an avoidantly attached individual. Avoidant-attachment people tend to have difficulty with intimacy and vulnerability, so "any very clear system that sets down rules for how to live with your partner could appeal to an avoidant person.”
On the other hand, those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to be preoccupied with their relationships and fear abandonment, may struggle with the realities of being a tradwife. “Anxious people might value the promise of having a partner who is more tied in, the promise of being looked after, but I don't think it would work particularly well for them because the rigid system would not provide the responsivity they long for,” Power says.
On this point, Walsh disagrees. He is circumspect about the link between attachment and the tradwife community, noting there is no evidence to suggest that any one attachment style or way of being is more prone than another to the tradwife lifestyle. But he acknowledges that an anxiously attached woman may find solace in the role. “She could feel she has to assume this role as the tradwife by organizing around the needs of her partner and children for fear she will be abandoned or rejected if she does not,” he says. “This is not to say this is everyone’s experience, only an example of how things could unfold.”
What about secure attachment? Power acknowledges that someone with secure attachment might try a tradwife lifestyle, but she doubts they would find fulfillment. “I think secure people would wake up and notice that parts of themselves were becoming stifled.”
Is it all about personality?
While attachment styles can play a role in the decision to embrace a tradwife lifestyle, personality and personal preferences also come into play.
Looking through the lens of the 16-type system, Power extrapolates that Sensing, Judging and Feeling preferences might align with a tradwife lifestyle. That's due to their tendency toward practicality, structure, family and tradition.
The reality, however, is far more complex—none of the tradwives we spoke to have these personality types and it’s clear there’s a mix of the 16 types in the community.
Amy (@lifewithmrsp) never thought about a tradwife lifestyle until she met her husband. But unlike many who adopt a starkly defined gender role in their marriage, she says their relationship is equal. “Just because our division of roles is separate or distinct doesn't make either of us subservient to the other,” Amy says.
“When I met my now husband, he had this idea that I should be able to do whatever I wanted as a wife and that it was his responsibility to make sure he could fund the lifestyle I wanted,” she says. “That was the first time I'd ever been introduced to this idea where you can choose what you want to do, and you have freedom.”
For Amy, this freedom meant choosing if she wanted to stay at home or have a career, something her husband wasn’t (and isn’t) opposed to. Her husband also doesn’t pressure her to “do it all” or to “meet some vague standard.”
She earns money from content creation and says the idea of a tradwife not being allowed to earn is narrow-minded. “Pretty much every traditional wife I know in real life is very entrepreneurial, and all of them earn money in some way or another. But the difference I see is that in a traditional lifestyle, the man would never ask for any money she makes [...] It's hers to do with whatever she wants to do with it.”
On paper, Amy is an ENTJ and an Enneagram Type 3 with a 4 wing. She describes herself as outgoing, energetic, disciplined, social, focused, tenacious and organized—and sees many of these traits as her tradwife job. “It's my job to live my dream life and to be fit and healthy,” she says. “And coming from a broken home, it's really important to me to be able to offer the best to my family.”
While Amy is bucking some of ideas around what it is to be a tradwife and the types of personalities it may attract, Margo and her husband fall more in line with the traditional definition.
An ENFP and Enneagram 2, she calls out capitalism as a primary reason why she embraced the tradwife lifestyle. “Looking back, I had a lot of frustration with capitalism not valuing traditionally feminine roles—childcare, homemaking, caring for people. I had worked these jobs my whole life and never made more than $15 an hour,” she said. “When my partner took the burden of financial responsibility off of me, he gave me the freedom to thrive in my own skill set; he rewarded and cherished me for my natural abilities. Unlike capitalism [...] I saw that traditionalism allowed me to be my best self, which led me to the lifestyle.”
A lifestyle of choice, not restriction
While Amy and Margo may have different reasons for embracing the tradwife lifestyle, they both highlight an important aspect: it's a choice. Tradwives do not feel restricted or forced into this role—it is something they actively choose and find fulfillment in.
“I see it as a luxurious lifestyle,” Amy says. “I [think] it works best when you're upper middle class or upper class. I feel like that works better because otherwise, the wife could feel trapped. If she doesn't have the money to do what she wants, then she doesn't really have any options.”
“Traditionalism is much more than what you see portrayed on TikTok," Margo adds, stressing that she does not believe this is the right lifestyle for everyone. "I do not expect my daughter to follow in my footsteps unless she feels called to. This is, after all, a choice; this is an expression of my feminism.” She says he's grateful for the opportunity to do the job she feels “created to do.”
A Psychology of Women Quarterly study found that embracing one's identity—rather than feeling pressured to adopt a gender identity based on outside sources—is crucial to self-esteem. The autonomy to choose is associated with positive affect and self-esteem, which is why choosing this lifestyle versus adopting it out of necessity can bring a sense of fulfillment and empowerment.
Walsh believes that securely attached people are best placed to choose this lifestyle if it fits. “Securely attached individuals are not driven by fear as we see in the insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized). So, they are not acting from a place of fearing abandonment or, conversely, fearing emotional closeness and vulnerability,” he explains. “A woman who feels empowered and comfortable with herself in a way that aligns with her values could certainly choose and feel safe and secure in the tradwife role.”
Making it work as a couple
Freedom to choose aside, Power’s view is that a tradwife dynamic is rigid and, ultimately, restricting. “If the structure is as rigid as it sounds, I see little hope for growth, development or sharing of vulnerability. Intimacy requires authenticity, and authenticity means we are bigger than the rules.”
She says that in such a relationship, "it will help if the two people can learn to share more of their softer feelings and less of their judgments.” For example, a wife may share that she feels disrespected or neglected by her husband’s late arrival, instead of attacking him for being late. A husband may express his fears of measuring up in a traditional provider role, rather than criticizing his wife’s housekeeping.
If you’re in a tradwife relationship, Walsh recommends focusing on “The Big Three”: healthy boundaries, self-advocacy and effective communication to ensure that each person meets each other's needs.
“In relationships, when you are not communicating, and feeling disconnected or that your needs are not valued, this will create resentment, which can be a relationship killer. Healthy relationships have a foundation of trust, support, reciprocity, connection and safety.” It seems that core aspects of happy relationships are universal, whether you’re in a traditional relationship or not.
Page 2
One subculture that’s been making waves on TikTok is the #tradwife lifestyle.
A tradwife (a portmanteau for “traditional wife”) is often a stay-at-home wife and mother who embraces the home as her domain and her husband's role as the breadwinner. Some view the lifestyle as problematic and anti-feminist, but many tradwives don’t admonish other women for choosing to have a career or non-traditional gender role in a relationship. Instead, they say it’s a personal choice.
But what influences someone to choose submissive domesticity over, say, a high-flying career or a more equal partnership with their significant other? Are tradwives simply making a choice that matches their personality type?
We spoke with two experts and a few tradwives to find out.
Why embrace a tradwife lifestyle?
Anne Power, attachment-based couples therapist, TedTalk speaker, and author of Contented Couples: Magic, Logic or Luck?, suggests the tradwife lifestyle may be a solution to a modern-day problem—the “expectation and requirement” that women must balance childcare, personal beauty and earning.
“This problem has arisen from residual patriarchy,” Power says. “Feminism has gotten women into the workplace, but has not managed to require or equip men to take on domestic life. It’s not surprising that when a way is offered to completely drop one of these, women could be interested and, in some cases, persuaded to opt for a tradwife solution.”
In Power's view, trying to do it all has not been so great for women who suffer “exhaustion and helplessness in the face of too many demands.” The offer of a simpler tradwife relationship “seems to promise safety from these threats.”
While some researchers agree that choosing this lifestyle is a way to avoid modern life's pressures, others point to a faith-based motivation. There's a subset of the tradwife community who follow biblical teachings and see submission as a godly virtue.
Others may choose it as a natural fit.
“There is not a ‘one size fits all’ reason or explanation as to what influences experiences and decisions for individuals,” says Rodman Walsh, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. “Environment, culture and cultural norms, community, family-of-origin and societal values typically impact and will play a role in an individual’s belief system and how they see and experience themselves, others, and the world around them.”
In other words—it's complicated.
Do attachment styles feed the tradwife trend?
Attachment theory is the idea that our childhood experiences with our primary caregivers leave an imprint on the way we relate to others in our adult relationships. Our early attachment style can provide a blueprint for what is familiar, comfortable and what may feel ‘right’ for us when thinking about partnering. So it makes sense that individuals with a specific attachment style may be more likely to choose the tradwife lifestyle.
Power suggests that a tradwife lifestyle might appeal more to an avoidantly attached individual. Avoidant-attachment people tend to have difficulty with intimacy and vulnerability, so "any very clear system that sets down rules for how to live with your partner could appeal to an avoidant person.”
On the other hand, those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to be preoccupied with their relationships and fear abandonment, may struggle with the realities of being a tradwife. “Anxious people might value the promise of having a partner who is more tied in, the promise of being looked after, but I don't think it would work particularly well for them because the rigid system would not provide the responsivity they long for,” Power says.
On this point, Walsh disagrees. He is circumspect about the link between attachment and the tradwife community, noting there is no evidence to suggest that any one attachment style or way of being is more prone than another to the tradwife lifestyle. But he acknowledges that an anxiously attached woman may find solace in the role. “She could feel she has to assume this role as the tradwife by organizing around the needs of her partner and children for fear she will be abandoned or rejected if she does not,” he says. “This is not to say this is everyone’s experience, only an example of how things could unfold.”
What about secure attachment? Power acknowledges that someone with secure attachment might try a tradwife lifestyle, but she doubts they would find fulfillment. “I think secure people would wake up and notice that parts of themselves were becoming stifled.”
Is it all about personality?
While attachment styles can play a role in the decision to embrace a tradwife lifestyle, personality and personal preferences also come into play.
Looking through the lens of the 16-type system, Power extrapolates that Sensing, Judging and Feeling preferences might align with a tradwife lifestyle. That's due to their tendency toward practicality, structure, family and tradition.
The reality, however, is far more complex—none of the tradwives we spoke to have these personality types and it’s clear there’s a mix of the 16 types in the community.
Amy (@lifewithmrsp) never thought about a tradwife lifestyle until she met her husband. But unlike many who adopt a starkly defined gender role in their marriage, she says their relationship is equal. “Just because our division of roles is separate or distinct doesn't make either of us subservient to the other,” Amy says.
“When I met my now husband, he had this idea that I should be able to do whatever I wanted as a wife and that it was his responsibility to make sure he could fund the lifestyle I wanted,” she says. “That was the first time I'd ever been introduced to this idea where you can choose what you want to do, and you have freedom.”
For Amy, this freedom meant choosing if she wanted to stay at home or have a career, something her husband wasn’t (and isn’t) opposed to. Her husband also doesn’t pressure her to “do it all” or to “meet some vague standard.”
She earns money from content creation and says the idea of a tradwife not being allowed to earn is narrow-minded. “Pretty much every traditional wife I know in real life is very entrepreneurial, and all of them earn money in some way or another. But the difference I see is that in a traditional lifestyle, the man would never ask for any money she makes [...] It's hers to do with whatever she wants to do with it.”
On paper, Amy is an ENTJ and an Enneagram Type 3 with a 4 wing. She describes herself as outgoing, energetic, disciplined, social, focused, tenacious and organized—and sees many of these traits as her tradwife job. “It's my job to live my dream life and to be fit and healthy,” she says. “And coming from a broken home, it's really important to me to be able to offer the best to my family.”
While Amy is bucking some of ideas around what it is to be a tradwife and the types of personalities it may attract, Margo and her husband fall more in line with the traditional definition.
An ENFP and Enneagram 2, she calls out capitalism as a primary reason why she embraced the tradwife lifestyle. “Looking back, I had a lot of frustration with capitalism not valuing traditionally feminine roles—childcare, homemaking, caring for people. I had worked these jobs my whole life and never made more than $15 an hour,” she said. “When my partner took the burden of financial responsibility off of me, he gave me the freedom to thrive in my own skill set; he rewarded and cherished me for my natural abilities. Unlike capitalism [...] I saw that traditionalism allowed me to be my best self, which led me to the lifestyle.”
A lifestyle of choice, not restriction
While Amy and Margo may have different reasons for embracing the tradwife lifestyle, they both highlight an important aspect: it's a choice. Tradwives do not feel restricted or forced into this role—it is something they actively choose and find fulfillment in.
“I see it as a luxurious lifestyle,” Amy says. “I [think] it works best when you're upper middle class or upper class. I feel like that works better because otherwise, the wife could feel trapped. If she doesn't have the money to do what she wants, then she doesn't really have any options.”
“Traditionalism is much more than what you see portrayed on TikTok," Margo adds, stressing that she does not believe this is the right lifestyle for everyone. "I do not expect my daughter to follow in my footsteps unless she feels called to. This is, after all, a choice; this is an expression of my feminism.” She says he's grateful for the opportunity to do the job she feels “created to do.”
A Psychology of Women Quarterly study found that embracing one's identity—rather than feeling pressured to adopt a gender identity based on outside sources—is crucial to self-esteem. The autonomy to choose is associated with positive affect and self-esteem, which is why choosing this lifestyle versus adopting it out of necessity can bring a sense of fulfillment and empowerment.
Walsh believes that securely attached people are best placed to choose this lifestyle if it fits. “Securely attached individuals are not driven by fear as we see in the insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized). So, they are not acting from a place of fearing abandonment or, conversely, fearing emotional closeness and vulnerability,” he explains. “A woman who feels empowered and comfortable with herself in a way that aligns with her values could certainly choose and feel safe and secure in the tradwife role.”
Making it work as a couple
Freedom to choose aside, Power’s view is that a tradwife dynamic is rigid and, ultimately, restricting. “If the structure is as rigid as it sounds, I see little hope for growth, development or sharing of vulnerability. Intimacy requires authenticity, and authenticity means we are bigger than the rules.”
She says that in such a relationship, "it will help if the two people can learn to share more of their softer feelings and less of their judgments.” For example, a wife may share that she feels disrespected or neglected by her husband’s late arrival, instead of attacking him for being late. A husband may express his fears of measuring up in a traditional provider role, rather than criticizing his wife’s housekeeping.
If you’re in a tradwife relationship, Walsh recommends focusing on “The Big Three”: healthy boundaries, self-advocacy and effective communication to ensure that each person meets each other's needs.
“In relationships, when you are not communicating, and feeling disconnected or that your needs are not valued, this will create resentment, which can be a relationship killer. Healthy relationships have a foundation of trust, support, reciprocity, connection and safety.” It seems that core aspects of happy relationships are universal, whether you’re in a traditional relationship or not.
Page 3
One subculture that’s been making waves on TikTok is the #tradwife lifestyle.
A tradwife (a portmanteau for “traditional wife”) is often a stay-at-home wife and mother who embraces the home as her domain and her husband's role as the breadwinner. Some view the lifestyle as problematic and anti-feminist, but many tradwives don’t admonish other women for choosing to have a career or non-traditional gender role in a relationship. Instead, they say it’s a personal choice.
But what influences someone to choose submissive domesticity over, say, a high-flying career or a more equal partnership with their significant other? Are tradwives simply making a choice that matches their personality type?
We spoke with two experts and a few tradwives to find out.
Why embrace a tradwife lifestyle?
Anne Power, attachment-based couples therapist, TedTalk speaker, and author of Contented Couples: Magic, Logic or Luck?, suggests the tradwife lifestyle may be a solution to a modern-day problem—the “expectation and requirement” that women must balance childcare, personal beauty and earning.
“This problem has arisen from residual patriarchy,” Power says. “Feminism has gotten women into the workplace, but has not managed to require or equip men to take on domestic life. It’s not surprising that when a way is offered to completely drop one of these, women could be interested and, in some cases, persuaded to opt for a tradwife solution.”
In Power's view, trying to do it all has not been so great for women who suffer “exhaustion and helplessness in the face of too many demands.” The offer of a simpler tradwife relationship “seems to promise safety from these threats.”
While some researchers agree that choosing this lifestyle is a way to avoid modern life's pressures, others point to a faith-based motivation. There's a subset of the tradwife community who follow biblical teachings and see submission as a godly virtue.
Others may choose it as a natural fit.
“There is not a ‘one size fits all’ reason or explanation as to what influences experiences and decisions for individuals,” says Rodman Walsh, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. “Environment, culture and cultural norms, community, family-of-origin and societal values typically impact and will play a role in an individual’s belief system and how they see and experience themselves, others, and the world around them.”
In other words—it's complicated.
Do attachment styles feed the tradwife trend?
Attachment theory is the idea that our childhood experiences with our primary caregivers leave an imprint on the way we relate to others in our adult relationships. Our early attachment style can provide a blueprint for what is familiar, comfortable and what may feel ‘right’ for us when thinking about partnering. So it makes sense that individuals with a specific attachment style may be more likely to choose the tradwife lifestyle.
Power suggests that a tradwife lifestyle might appeal more to an avoidantly attached individual. Avoidant-attachment people tend to have difficulty with intimacy and vulnerability, so "any very clear system that sets down rules for how to live with your partner could appeal to an avoidant person.”
On the other hand, those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to be preoccupied with their relationships and fear abandonment, may struggle with the realities of being a tradwife. “Anxious people might value the promise of having a partner who is more tied in, the promise of being looked after, but I don't think it would work particularly well for them because the rigid system would not provide the responsivity they long for,” Power says.
On this point, Walsh disagrees. He is circumspect about the link between attachment and the tradwife community, noting there is no evidence to suggest that any one attachment style or way of being is more prone than another to the tradwife lifestyle. But he acknowledges that an anxiously attached woman may find solace in the role. “She could feel she has to assume this role as the tradwife by organizing around the needs of her partner and children for fear she will be abandoned or rejected if she does not,” he says. “This is not to say this is everyone’s experience, only an example of how things could unfold.”
What about secure attachment? Power acknowledges that someone with secure attachment might try a tradwife lifestyle, but she doubts they would find fulfillment. “I think secure people would wake up and notice that parts of themselves were becoming stifled.”
Is it all about personality?
While attachment styles can play a role in the decision to embrace a tradwife lifestyle, personality and personal preferences also come into play.
Looking through the lens of the 16-type system, Power extrapolates that Sensing, Judging and Feeling preferences might align with a tradwife lifestyle. That's due to their tendency toward practicality, structure, family and tradition.
The reality, however, is far more complex—none of the tradwives we spoke to have these personality types and it’s clear there’s a mix of the 16 types in the community.
Amy (@lifewithmrsp) never thought about a tradwife lifestyle until she met her husband. But unlike many who adopt a starkly defined gender role in their marriage, she says their relationship is equal. “Just because our division of roles is separate or distinct doesn't make either of us subservient to the other,” Amy says.
“When I met my now husband, he had this idea that I should be able to do whatever I wanted as a wife and that it was his responsibility to make sure he could fund the lifestyle I wanted,” she says. “That was the first time I'd ever been introduced to this idea where you can choose what you want to do, and you have freedom.”
For Amy, this freedom meant choosing if she wanted to stay at home or have a career, something her husband wasn’t (and isn’t) opposed to. Her husband also doesn’t pressure her to “do it all” or to “meet some vague standard.”
She earns money from content creation and says the idea of a tradwife not being allowed to earn is narrow-minded. “Pretty much every traditional wife I know in real life is very entrepreneurial, and all of them earn money in some way or another. But the difference I see is that in a traditional lifestyle, the man would never ask for any money she makes [...] It's hers to do with whatever she wants to do with it.”
On paper, Amy is an ENTJ and an Enneagram Type 3 with a 4 wing. She describes herself as outgoing, energetic, disciplined, social, focused, tenacious and organized—and sees many of these traits as her tradwife job. “It's my job to live my dream life and to be fit and healthy,” she says. “And coming from a broken home, it's really important to me to be able to offer the best to my family.”
While Amy is bucking some of ideas around what it is to be a tradwife and the types of personalities it may attract, Margo and her husband fall more in line with the traditional definition.
An ENFP and Enneagram 2, she calls out capitalism as a primary reason why she embraced the tradwife lifestyle. “Looking back, I had a lot of frustration with capitalism not valuing traditionally feminine roles—childcare, homemaking, caring for people. I had worked these jobs my whole life and never made more than $15 an hour,” she said. “When my partner took the burden of financial responsibility off of me, he gave me the freedom to thrive in my own skill set; he rewarded and cherished me for my natural abilities. Unlike capitalism [...] I saw that traditionalism allowed me to be my best self, which led me to the lifestyle.”
A lifestyle of choice, not restriction
While Amy and Margo may have different reasons for embracing the tradwife lifestyle, they both highlight an important aspect: it's a choice. Tradwives do not feel restricted or forced into this role—it is something they actively choose and find fulfillment in.
“I see it as a luxurious lifestyle,” Amy says. “I [think] it works best when you're upper middle class or upper class. I feel like that works better because otherwise, the wife could feel trapped. If she doesn't have the money to do what she wants, then she doesn't really have any options.”
“Traditionalism is much more than what you see portrayed on TikTok," Margo adds, stressing that she does not believe this is the right lifestyle for everyone. "I do not expect my daughter to follow in my footsteps unless she feels called to. This is, after all, a choice; this is an expression of my feminism.” She says he's grateful for the opportunity to do the job she feels “created to do.”
A Psychology of Women Quarterly study found that embracing one's identity—rather than feeling pressured to adopt a gender identity based on outside sources—is crucial to self-esteem. The autonomy to choose is associated with positive affect and self-esteem, which is why choosing this lifestyle versus adopting it out of necessity can bring a sense of fulfillment and empowerment.
Walsh believes that securely attached people are best placed to choose this lifestyle if it fits. “Securely attached individuals are not driven by fear as we see in the insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized). So, they are not acting from a place of fearing abandonment or, conversely, fearing emotional closeness and vulnerability,” he explains. “A woman who feels empowered and comfortable with herself in a way that aligns with her values could certainly choose and feel safe and secure in the tradwife role.”
Making it work as a couple
Freedom to choose aside, Power’s view is that a tradwife dynamic is rigid and, ultimately, restricting. “If the structure is as rigid as it sounds, I see little hope for growth, development or sharing of vulnerability. Intimacy requires authenticity, and authenticity means we are bigger than the rules.”
She says that in such a relationship, "it will help if the two people can learn to share more of their softer feelings and less of their judgments.” For example, a wife may share that she feels disrespected or neglected by her husband’s late arrival, instead of attacking him for being late. A husband may express his fears of measuring up in a traditional provider role, rather than criticizing his wife’s housekeeping.
If you’re in a tradwife relationship, Walsh recommends focusing on “The Big Three”: healthy boundaries, self-advocacy and effective communication to ensure that each person meets each other's needs.
“In relationships, when you are not communicating, and feeling disconnected or that your needs are not valued, this will create resentment, which can be a relationship killer. Healthy relationships have a foundation of trust, support, reciprocity, connection and safety.” It seems that core aspects of happy relationships are universal, whether you’re in a traditional relationship or not.
Page 4
One subculture that’s been making waves on TikTok is the #tradwife lifestyle.
A tradwife (a portmanteau for “traditional wife”) is often a stay-at-home wife and mother who embraces the home as her domain and her husband's role as the breadwinner. Some view the lifestyle as problematic and anti-feminist, but many tradwives don’t admonish other women for choosing to have a career or non-traditional gender role in a relationship. Instead, they say it’s a personal choice.
But what influences someone to choose submissive domesticity over, say, a high-flying career or a more equal partnership with their significant other? Are tradwives simply making a choice that matches their personality type?
We spoke with two experts and a few tradwives to find out.
Why embrace a tradwife lifestyle?
Anne Power, attachment-based couples therapist, TedTalk speaker, and author of Contented Couples: Magic, Logic or Luck?, suggests the tradwife lifestyle may be a solution to a modern-day problem—the “expectation and requirement” that women must balance childcare, personal beauty and earning.
“This problem has arisen from residual patriarchy,” Power says. “Feminism has gotten women into the workplace, but has not managed to require or equip men to take on domestic life. It’s not surprising that when a way is offered to completely drop one of these, women could be interested and, in some cases, persuaded to opt for a tradwife solution.”
In Power's view, trying to do it all has not been so great for women who suffer “exhaustion and helplessness in the face of too many demands.” The offer of a simpler tradwife relationship “seems to promise safety from these threats.”
While some researchers agree that choosing this lifestyle is a way to avoid modern life's pressures, others point to a faith-based motivation. There's a subset of the tradwife community who follow biblical teachings and see submission as a godly virtue.
Others may choose it as a natural fit.
“There is not a ‘one size fits all’ reason or explanation as to what influences experiences and decisions for individuals,” says Rodman Walsh, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. “Environment, culture and cultural norms, community, family-of-origin and societal values typically impact and will play a role in an individual’s belief system and how they see and experience themselves, others, and the world around them.”
In other words—it's complicated.
Do attachment styles feed the tradwife trend?
Attachment theory is the idea that our childhood experiences with our primary caregivers leave an imprint on the way we relate to others in our adult relationships. Our early attachment style can provide a blueprint for what is familiar, comfortable and what may feel ‘right’ for us when thinking about partnering. So it makes sense that individuals with a specific attachment style may be more likely to choose the tradwife lifestyle.
Power suggests that a tradwife lifestyle might appeal more to an avoidantly attached individual. Avoidant-attachment people tend to have difficulty with intimacy and vulnerability, so "any very clear system that sets down rules for how to live with your partner could appeal to an avoidant person.”
On the other hand, those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to be preoccupied with their relationships and fear abandonment, may struggle with the realities of being a tradwife. “Anxious people might value the promise of having a partner who is more tied in, the promise of being looked after, but I don't think it would work particularly well for them because the rigid system would not provide the responsivity they long for,” Power says.
On this point, Walsh disagrees. He is circumspect about the link between attachment and the tradwife community, noting there is no evidence to suggest that any one attachment style or way of being is more prone than another to the tradwife lifestyle. But he acknowledges that an anxiously attached woman may find solace in the role. “She could feel she has to assume this role as the tradwife by organizing around the needs of her partner and children for fear she will be abandoned or rejected if she does not,” he says. “This is not to say this is everyone’s experience, only an example of how things could unfold.”
What about secure attachment? Power acknowledges that someone with secure attachment might try a tradwife lifestyle, but she doubts they would find fulfillment. “I think secure people would wake up and notice that parts of themselves were becoming stifled.”
Is it all about personality?
While attachment styles can play a role in the decision to embrace a tradwife lifestyle, personality and personal preferences also come into play.
Looking through the lens of the 16-type system, Power extrapolates that Sensing, Judging and Feeling preferences might align with a tradwife lifestyle. That's due to their tendency toward practicality, structure, family and tradition.
The reality, however, is far more complex—none of the tradwives we spoke to have these personality types and it’s clear there’s a mix of the 16 types in the community.
Amy (@lifewithmrsp) never thought about a tradwife lifestyle until she met her husband. But unlike many who adopt a starkly defined gender role in their marriage, she says their relationship is equal. “Just because our division of roles is separate or distinct doesn't make either of us subservient to the other,” Amy says.
“When I met my now husband, he had this idea that I should be able to do whatever I wanted as a wife and that it was his responsibility to make sure he could fund the lifestyle I wanted,” she says. “That was the first time I'd ever been introduced to this idea where you can choose what you want to do, and you have freedom.”
For Amy, this freedom meant choosing if she wanted to stay at home or have a career, something her husband wasn’t (and isn’t) opposed to. Her husband also doesn’t pressure her to “do it all” or to “meet some vague standard.”
She earns money from content creation and says the idea of a tradwife not being allowed to earn is narrow-minded. “Pretty much every traditional wife I know in real life is very entrepreneurial, and all of them earn money in some way or another. But the difference I see is that in a traditional lifestyle, the man would never ask for any money she makes [...] It's hers to do with whatever she wants to do with it.”
On paper, Amy is an ENTJ and an Enneagram Type 3 with a 4 wing. She describes herself as outgoing, energetic, disciplined, social, focused, tenacious and organized—and sees many of these traits as her tradwife job. “It's my job to live my dream life and to be fit and healthy,” she says. “And coming from a broken home, it's really important to me to be able to offer the best to my family.”
While Amy is bucking some of ideas around what it is to be a tradwife and the types of personalities it may attract, Margo and her husband fall more in line with the traditional definition.
An ENFP and Enneagram 2, she calls out capitalism as a primary reason why she embraced the tradwife lifestyle. “Looking back, I had a lot of frustration with capitalism not valuing traditionally feminine roles—childcare, homemaking, caring for people. I had worked these jobs my whole life and never made more than $15 an hour,” she said. “When my partner took the burden of financial responsibility off of me, he gave me the freedom to thrive in my own skill set; he rewarded and cherished me for my natural abilities. Unlike capitalism [...] I saw that traditionalism allowed me to be my best self, which led me to the lifestyle.”
A lifestyle of choice, not restriction
While Amy and Margo may have different reasons for embracing the tradwife lifestyle, they both highlight an important aspect: it's a choice. Tradwives do not feel restricted or forced into this role—it is something they actively choose and find fulfillment in.
“I see it as a luxurious lifestyle,” Amy says. “I [think] it works best when you're upper middle class or upper class. I feel like that works better because otherwise, the wife could feel trapped. If she doesn't have the money to do what she wants, then she doesn't really have any options.”
“Traditionalism is much more than what you see portrayed on TikTok," Margo adds, stressing that she does not believe this is the right lifestyle for everyone. "I do not expect my daughter to follow in my footsteps unless she feels called to. This is, after all, a choice; this is an expression of my feminism.” She says he's grateful for the opportunity to do the job she feels “created to do.”
A Psychology of Women Quarterly study found that embracing one's identity—rather than feeling pressured to adopt a gender identity based on outside sources—is crucial to self-esteem. The autonomy to choose is associated with positive affect and self-esteem, which is why choosing this lifestyle versus adopting it out of necessity can bring a sense of fulfillment and empowerment.
Walsh believes that securely attached people are best placed to choose this lifestyle if it fits. “Securely attached individuals are not driven by fear as we see in the insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized). So, they are not acting from a place of fearing abandonment or, conversely, fearing emotional closeness and vulnerability,” he explains. “A woman who feels empowered and comfortable with herself in a way that aligns with her values could certainly choose and feel safe and secure in the tradwife role.”
Making it work as a couple
Freedom to choose aside, Power’s view is that a tradwife dynamic is rigid and, ultimately, restricting. “If the structure is as rigid as it sounds, I see little hope for growth, development or sharing of vulnerability. Intimacy requires authenticity, and authenticity means we are bigger than the rules.”
She says that in such a relationship, "it will help if the two people can learn to share more of their softer feelings and less of their judgments.” For example, a wife may share that she feels disrespected or neglected by her husband’s late arrival, instead of attacking him for being late. A husband may express his fears of measuring up in a traditional provider role, rather than criticizing his wife’s housekeeping.
If you’re in a tradwife relationship, Walsh recommends focusing on “The Big Three”: healthy boundaries, self-advocacy and effective communication to ensure that each person meets each other's needs.
“In relationships, when you are not communicating, and feeling disconnected or that your needs are not valued, this will create resentment, which can be a relationship killer. Healthy relationships have a foundation of trust, support, reciprocity, connection and safety.” It seems that core aspects of happy relationships are universal, whether you’re in a traditional relationship or not.